Catholicism, the lack of support for single moms, a deadbeat father. All of these factors contributed to my 23 yr old mother relinquishing me for adoption in the early 1980s, placed into foster care at 3 days old. While in care, I was rejected by the couple that my birth mother selected for me before being adopted by another couple when I was 5 months old. The agency never informed my birth mother that the couple she selected for me had rejected me (probably one of the many reasons they won’t release my complete unredacted adoption file to me.) I only learned upon meeting my foster mother in my late 30s that I was originally supposed to go to this other couple.
Although loved by my adoptive family and often told I was “chosen” and “special,” I knew that to be chosen by them, I first had to be unchosen by my original parents. I was very different from my parents and my sister (who was also adopted.) I knew how to fit in, but I never felt like I belonged. I had so many questions— questions which no one around me had the answers to. My mother would always tear up whenever I asked questions about my bio family. The system failed everyone involved. Infertile couples were encouraged to “just adopt” rather than work through their infertility grief. We could never be the bandaid for that monumental loss.
I disassociated. I took on the role of the compliant adoptee. I kept my innermost thoughts and feelings to myself. Growing up, my family made big geographical moves every 3-5 years. I always felt like a chameleon, constantly adapting to new people and places. This discontinuity mirrored the internal discontinuity I felt being separated from my entire family tree. I’ve continued to move around quite a bit as an adult. I believe there is this sense of restlessness that a lot of adoptees feel. We’re always searching for something—perhaps our most authentic selves.
Within the last few years, I’ve reunited with both sides of my biological family. I’m starting to heal the decades of discontinuity. I channel my pain into purpose these days, fighting for adoptee rights (currently working on legislative efforts to secure OBC access for Virginia born adoptees.)
