My identity began with being given a fictitious name by my birth mother who did the same. Relinquished after nine days, I spent the next formative three months in foster care with other babies in the same precarious situation. Being curious and observant, I believe I watched and longed for my mother’s return. She did not. But I still waited.

My adoption number came up three months later and I was placed in my adoptive home and was again given a name–a new identity. I met people I didn’t know but would learn to call them mom, dad, and brother. The awkward dance of four genetically non-related people began without guidelines, plans, or thoughtful consideration. My adoptive, two-and-a-half-year older brother and I were expected to emotionally, immediately, and obediently attach to our parents without question. I was quickly nicknamed “owl eyes” due to my constant observation and inspection of my new surroundings. Presumably still awaiting my mother’s return.

The indoctrination by my adoptive parents included carrying the guilt and shame of how I did not mirror them. To combat this, they doubled down with their totalitarian control tactics and my childhood home resembled a facility for wayward children. Nightly “family meetings” around the hardwood table were used to tear down my identity and rebuild me in their image. My brother’s, as well. They crushed him before he ever reached double digits in age.

Being denied my identity led me to search for the mother I’d always wished had returned for me. My search began in earnest at 22 years old. When conventional methods failed, I resorted to extremes. Full of zest and zeal, I determined my only option for finding my information was to break into the agency where I’d been adopted. I was successful. I discovered the identity of both my natural mother and father.

I’ve now written two memoirs. But just like my first mother did so many years ago, I wrote them under the protection of a pseudonym. I’ve since reconciled my many identities by making my unconscious conscious. Understanding how everything has been connected. Breaking free from oppression of all kinds has finally given me an identity I can now live with peacefully.